A few months ago, I decided to run every day 2km early morning at 5:00 am without exceptions. Period.
Let me allow myself to be completely honest with you. So the first thing I’d tell you is I never really felt like going for it, and regarding that exception thing, there had been days when the alarm would go off, and I’d be like, “Screw this running, it’s cold, and I’d rather sleep for 10 min more and maybe then I’d feel like running.” The only thing is my brain doesn’t work like that. I’m a person who loves sleeping, and that seemingly minute 10 min would turn into an hour or so, that my mind would rather have another excuse of not going out because now the sun’s out. People roam outside, and they’ll probably be staring at this weird girl running like an idiot on the roads. And I’ll be embarrassed if I tell you another conspiracy theory my mind invented given that I miss my 5:00 am waking mark.
Now for me, people have always been an issue regarding how they perceive me. Though it’s weird if I tell you, I don’t give a damn about them. Now the question that often arises in my mind is, “How can these two things happen to me simultaneously?” And I think the answer to it is because I start to search myself in them and become highly self-critical and questioning in the space-time I’m in. I begin to think deeply about myself and become possessive, thinking every opinion and impression I made need to be perfect. Ironically I’m trying to control what’s outside my control. Eventually, I fall into a vicious cycle of self-doubt, low confidence, and find myself on the path of losing myself.
I’ll tell you that the area I’m in is industrial. Early mornings forget about romanticizing seeing beautiful moon hides behind dark clouds or trees whispering to birds or another way around. Instead, what you see is the black industrial smoke covering you like a blanket, and I can barely breathe. Also, don’t laugh at me if I tell you, I don’t think I’m going to live so long, thanks to this poison I’m inhaling. But that’s the story for another day. So I don’t have that connection with nature motivation in my running picture.
Now when I told this to Mom, you know what she said, “You’re just lazy, plain lazy, and always inventing excuses for things around you, Don’t blame me if you get diabetes. Period.” A moment of silence for me.
My inner voice — “I might seem to be joking about dying early, but that doesn’t mean I’ll strike a deal with diabetes! No way! Not in my scariest of the scariest dreams! I’m a person who’d like to avoid taking medicine at all costs, and I’m proud of it. I love myself as a whole so profoundly that when I came to know when I was young that two of my milk teeth wouldn’t regrow as their permanent counterparts are missing. I cried, feeling like an essential part of me is missing! So hell with diabetes, I’m going to avoid it at all costs. But know the irony, I’m not afraid of dying as long as I’m the first one. I’m content with what I’ve, but I rather live life than with some disease!
So I decided to believe in two things —
Death is a challenge. It tells us not to waste time… It tells us to tell each other right now that we love each other.
— Leo Buscaglia
To remove motivation from the picture, you need to strongly build a habit and embrace the Rigor of Discipline.
— Lex Fridman
And after that, when that alarm would go off, I’d wake up and go for a run even if it got past the 5:00 am marking (but I try to keep it that way) and keep the promise I made to myself. As for the people and pollution, I wear a mask, though it’s challenging to breathe in it, and I ignore the stout people staring at me, thinking they are the ones inviting diabetes!
As for me, I’m the one living in the moment, and despite all external and internal odds, I keep the promise to myself and truly embrace the Rigor of Discipline. Also, I love seeing the smile on my parent’s faces when they see me running. Running gives me so much more than I thought I signed for…
